Mindblowingly Broken
by F4LL3N-1NT0-0BL1V10N
Summary: Shuuhei is devastated when he discovers Renji's affair with Ichigo. Shuuhei is broken and no one seems to notice. Will anyone help save him or will he struggle alone? YAOI, SELFHARM. Rated T to be safe but rating may go up. I'm terrible at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

**Mindblowingly Broken**

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**_Author Note: This is the revised version of Chapter 1. I will also be putting up Chapter 2 soon hopefully *crosses fingers.* _****_Thanks for the 3 reviews I got. :) This is my first story so please be nice and REVIEW. It helps cure writers block._****_ I know I didn't post for a while. I was busy but there will hopefully be at least one chapter up each week. Also, I'm not sure who Shuuhei should end up with. If you have any ideas, tell me! Also, this chapter will be in 3rd Person POV but I think I might change it. Good idea or not?_**

**_Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo so therefore I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would not be writing fanfictions._**

**_Warning: This is a yaoi. Don't say I didn't tell you. Also, this fanfiction could be triggering. It does include self injury._** **_Consider yourself warned._**

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_"I will never ask you if you don't ever tell me, I know you well enough to know you never loved me."_

Cute without the "E" by Taking Back Sunday

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Chapter 1

A dull, aching pain stretched throughout Shuuhei's body deeply contrasting against the sharp pain filling his chest. The black haired soul reaper had upped his training regiment. That is what accounted for the aching muscles, sweating, and panting. He had continued been training for hours hoping the strange pain invading his heart would just simply go away. Instead, the pain in his heart seemed to become unbearable. Shuuhei was never one to sit around and do nothing but he had always solved his problems by training. The repetitive sword strokes always lulled his brain into a trance, allowing him to become calm and allow the problems to solve themselves. But now, all that the training had succeeded in doing was making his body hurt as well as his heart.

Shuuhei had always felt as if his heart had been made of glass. Renji seemed to protect it from any destructive elements but when Shuuhei saw him on Ichigo's bed panting, begging for Ichigo, Renji had become the destructive element. Shuuhei's heart had finally shattered and the shards had torn up everything in his chest cavity leaving his lungs punctured and him gasping for air.

Shuuhei let himself rest for a little as he collapsed on the side of one of the many rocks that dappled Urahara's underground training facility. The soul reaper had been training like this nonstop since Renji had first hurt him. How long ago was that? It had to have been months ago yet he had never let Renji know that he knew the red heads dirty little secret. He needed Renji as a constant in his life or he wasn't sure what he would do. But Renji was no longer his was he.

Shuuhei felt that he did not deserve to be alive, let alone be fortunate enough to have the red head in his life. He grabbed Kazeshini, as if for relief from the constant assault in his mind, but he realized that the zampaktou hated him as well.

Oh God, he did not deserve to be alive, he didn't. He was worthless. Shuuhei held the zampaktou to his chest like he had the time before, and before. If only anyone had stopped to notice Shuuhei, they would notice the millions of scars that littered his skin. But no one noticed, no one cared enough to see if the luteninant was okay. His calm face always reassuring everyone was enough. They did not think they needed to worry. But they were wrong, oh so very wrong.

In the blink of an eye, a deep gash appeared across Shuuhei's chest. It was too deep. Too deep. Way too deep. Quickly, Shuuhei became nervous. He didn't want to die, no not die, but just to feel a bit of the pain he deserved. But it was too late to complain. He passed out on the side of the rock bleeding profusely.

~*~

Shuuhei started. Where was he? Why was he here? Then he remembered the sharp pain of Kazeshini on his skin and sighed. He looked down to his chest and traced the new cut with his fingertip. He shivered in pain and in pleasure, he realized shamefully.

All at once the pain in his heart came back, and it felt as if he had seen Renji indulging in his dirty little activity again. He couldn't bear it. He needed to find Renji. Yes, perhaps Abarai had broken his heart, but he was the only one who seemed to be able to put it back together. The black haired shinigami pulled on his gigai and ran up the stairs of the underground training facility two at a time.

Urahara, like the creepy old man he was, was waiting around the corner of the entrance to the underground room. He had felt Shuuhei's spiritual pressure become impossibly weak but it had been happening so frequently he had barely noticed. It was until Shuuhei did not emerge from training for hours on end that he began to get worried. Maybe the younger man had injured himself. Yes, Urahara knew the man liked to train himself, but he could not allow the man to injure himself. There were still hollows that needed to be purified. The blonde was about to check on the dark haired soul reaper when he heard the footsteps coming up the stairs.

Urahara laughed evilly. He just had to prank the man again. It would be perfect and even Shuuhei would not be able to deny it. The ex- captain knew that Shuuhei would hate him for this but he couldn't help himself. The tattooed shinigami was just too serious. As Urahara heard Shuuhei begin to reach the top of the stairs, he crouched, alike to Youruichi in her cat form, and prepared for his attack.

The unsuspecting Shuuhei walked right past Urahara not even bothering to check for the older man's reiatsu, and that was when he attacked. The silly, older man jumped onto Shuuhei's back in a fit of uncontainable laughter. The younger man jumped about a foot in the air in surprise but when he realized the older man had caught him off guard, blushed furiously.

"Damn you Kisuke! You scared the crap outta me!" Shuuhei screeched as he tried to remove Urahara from his back. The ex-captain just kept laughing at the other man's failed attempts to dislodge him.

Finally, Shuuhei was able to remove the man and gave him a deadly glare. He did not have time for Urahara's childish games. He needed to talk to Renji. His chest felt like it had split open once again. Under Urahara's odd gaze, he began to twitch nervously and subconsciously rubbed the new cut, on his chest. At the pain, he winced slightly and stopped moving at all.

"Shuuhei, I know what happened," the blond said completely serious and stared Shuuhei directly in the face. Shuuhei began to twitch once again, and the wound on his chest reopened. At first, it barely bled but soon a stain began to appear on the front of his shirt. Urahara, worried he would scare the young man away, said nothing, content with helping the man through the tough time he was having.

"What do you mean?" Shuuhei said innocently putting on his emotional mask and rendering his face unreadable to everyone. But, this was Urahara, master of reading people's emotions. This trick barely fazed him.

"I know what's happening, what Renji is doing to you, what you wished you could forget," Urahara said calmly and Shuuhei flinched at **his** name. Damn the shopkeeper. How did he happen to know everything? He needed to find Renji. His heart was bleeding and slipping from his chest at each word the blond utterred.

"I dunno what you're talking about. Uh… I gotta go," Shuuhei said flustered, quickly losing his cool and along with that, the mask he had been wearing since he arrived in the world of the living. Urahara finally glimpsed the pain in Shuuhei's eyes and gasped. Realizing this, Shuuhei tried desperately to get out to the store. Urahara stepped smoothly into his path, successfully blocking the exit.

"I wouldn't go to his place just yet. You might have to add another scar to that pretty little collection of yours," the shopkeeper said quietly, pulling up the left sleeve of Shuuhei's shirt. There were tally marks scarred on to the underside of his wrist. Each one stood for another time that Shuuhei had caught Renji cheating on him. By now, there had to be over 20 marks. At the shopkeeper's discovery, Shuuhei nearly broke down but instead raised a mental barrier around himself and his face became emotionally blank. He did not want to deal with this right now.

"Urahara, get out of my way. Now." Shuuhei said calmly shooting Urahara a withering glare that would have made any average person run straight out the door. Urahara barely flinched.

"Fine, have it your way, Shuuhei," said Urahara stepping to the side leaving the exit open. "Just don't do anything too stupid," he added softly, "There are people who care about you."

"That's funny coming from you, Kisuke," Shuuhei stated sharply. It came out worse than he meant but he was too distracted trying to keep the tears from flowing. Kisuke couldn't see this. He needed Renji. The black haired soul reaper walked calmly out the door and out of Urahara's sight. He walked down the street until he was sure no one could see him, and went into his soul form because he did not want any stupid humans thinking he was crazy or he was hurt and trying to call the police. Believe it or not, it had happenned before and he wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Finally, when the lump in his throat began to hurt, he let out a sob, slumped against the side of a building, held his head in his hands and cried. What had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's Note: Yeah sorry this is so late. Hahahaha. My sister kept hogging the computer but here it is. I put Shuuhei's POV in there as a treat. :) Please please please review. All reviewers get my heart._**

**_Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo and therefore do not own Bleach. Poor me._**

**_Warning: Lots of language and sadness. TRIGGER ALERT. Also, there is Yaoi. YOU ARE WARNED :) read on._**

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_"Tell the truth if you think that you can take it  
But I know, you wont  
I never felt so all alone  
But when it was safe I turned my back and the blade came through_

_And I can barely breathe."_

_-_I Can Barely Breathe by Just Surrender

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Urahara was worried. He was not expecting to see cuts on the younger man's wrists. He was just following a hunch of his and, as usual, his hunch seemed to be true. The blond shuddered as he remembered each bright white, raised scar in neat tally marks on the underside of the shinigami's wrist. Now, he was unsure to think especially, since his involvement in Shuuhei's life, long ago.

_Flashback_

**Kira's POV**

The first I remember of Shuuhei was the first day he entered our classroom, Renji, Momo's, and mine. We were sitting in the back of class as usual but of course paying attention like everyone else. Everyone knew this was one of the toughest classes in the academy and therefore I needed to pass it.

A black haired soul reaper entered the room and my breath just left my body. He was just so cool, so hot, and so absolutely beautiful. With the addition of his hair and tattoo, I felt my heart beat race and other body parts react in a way that should not be happening in class. It was awkward but it's not like I could help it.

Suddenly the teacher spoke making me jump, "This is Shuuhei Hisagi. He is an upper classman. He will help you all train for the field lesson on performing a Konso," my teacher drawled in that boring tone of his. I almost jumped for joy. I'd be working with this absolute gorgeous being. "Also, two of his other class mates, Kanisawa and Aoga, I believe, will help too." The teacher gestured to the other two drastically less radiant people next to Shuuhei. I felt my heart drop. I wanted to learn with him, and not about Konsos, but I guess this was okay. Seeing him was a treat enough.

The next couple of days were quite a problem. Having to balance paying attention in class while ogling the gorgeous sight in front of me was difficult but I managed. I also managed to learn some things about the Shuuhei, like the fact he ran his hand through his hair when he was nervous and the determined face he wore when he was trying to remember something.

It was weeks before I realized the overwhelming pattern that Shuuhei was going through. Some days he was extremely happy. He could barely stay seated, kept twitching, and it felt as if his mood was so light that he himself could float away. Whenever he was happy, it made me smile. He was just so adorable. However, the other days he was so depressed. I could feel it myself throughout my entire being. He was hurting and he seemed soaked to the bone with sadness. Those were the days I wanted to just help him.

That is why eventually I told my teacher. I could not see Shuuhei suffer any longer. The teacher said that he as well had noticed it and promised to contact Captain Mayuri.

_And for the record, I am not a stalker. I just had a crush that's all. So stop laughing, Urahara_.

**Anyone's POV**

Unknown to Kira, Mayuri was stumped when it came to Shuuhei. He had no idea what was ailing the kid, and quite frankly, did not care at all. However, he contacted Kisuke anyway. He figured it would keep the guy busy for a while and stop him from screwing up the world of the living too much.

What Mayuri didn't know was that Urahara was very interested in human diseases. During his studies, the ex-captain discovered that the sickness had a way of manifesting itself in the soul itself. When he took Shuuhei's case, he found a way to cure him of what was called bipolar disorder. It made Shuuhei into the peaceful being that he is.

_End of Flashback_

Now that Kisuke thought about it, he needed to get Shuuhei back to the soul society right away. Leaving him in the world of the living was just making him worse.

**~*~**

**Shuuhei's POV**

I'm such an idiot.

_I don't deserve to live._

_I hate you. I hate me. _

_Fuck._

I felt a familiar reitsu approaching.

Shit. It's Renji. I can't see him now. No.

I shunpoed away making sure to hide my reitsu. I couldn't face him like this. But, this thinking had come in handy. I had decided that I was going to break up with him.

I don't deserve him. Ichigo's a good guy. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve happiness. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

I ran upon the rooftops to Renji's house. That was what he was doing out. They weren't at Renji's house now; they were at Ichigo's. I could have gone back to the apartment. _Stupid Kisuke. Making me cry. Asshole. _

I reached Renji's house faster than I had planned. Now I had to wait for Renji to come home. _Fuck, I don't want to do this._

Renji approached home with quite a speed. I straightened my back, straightened my hair, and sniffed. There was no hint left that I was upset earlier. My mask was in place. Good.

Renji opened the door and walked through the front door.

"Hey love," he drawled sexily. _He smells of Ichigo. I can't do this. _

"Hello, Renji. I'm glad you are back. We need to talk," I spoke calmly keeping all traces of emotion out of my voice but on the inside I was breaking. I fingered Kazeshini's hilt.

"About what, hun?" Renji spoke. _He's so fake. He hates me. Not like I can blame him. Stupid me, I'm an idiot. Die Die Die. _

"Us. We should break up. In fact, I'm breaking up with you. Goodbye," I spoke evenly with such a tone that would have made Byakuya Kuchiki jealous. I'm not going to pretend I didn't see the glint of happiness in his eyes. _I hate myself. I'm an idiot. I deserve to die. Just die. Stupid._

"If that's what you think is right, then okay. Just let me ask something, was it something I did Shuu-chan," he spoke trying (_and failing_) to look sad.

"Of course not. And now that we're done, can you stop with the nicknames. They are quite annoying," I said keeping my face as placid as possible. I couldn't take anymore so I left. I had no idea where I was going but I was going.

**Kira's POV**

I saw the hell butterfly before I got the message from it. It seemed to float towards me slower than normal. Maybe I should have taken that as a warning.

_You have been ordered to fetch Lieutenant Shuuhei with a team of Rukia Kuchiki, Lieutenant Hinamori Momo, and Lieutenant Rangiku Matsumoto. Urahara Kisuke has expressed worries about him and he might be a danger to himself and others. Make sure that the humans do not suspect anything. Be careful and good luck._

Shit.

What happened to Shuuhei this time?

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**_Author's Note: In Kira's first POV it says stop laughing Urahara. It was that this was a memory of Urahara's. Sorry if that was confusing._**


	3. Chapter 3

**Minblowingly Broken Chapter 3**

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**_Authors Note: Hello again. This is the next chapter. Please Review. They make me happy. Also, there may be a review on this story that looks like it may be from me or something. That was my friend not me. I'm not trying to make it look like i have more reviews or something :)_**

**_Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to my two reviewers. I am going to try to make both of your ideas work in this fanfiction because they are great. You two are both AWESOME. This chapter is also dedicated to my little sister because it was her birthday. Happy Birthday!_**

**_Thank you to anyone who has dedicated their time to reading this. :) i love you all._**

**_Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo/ do not own bleach. But the plot is from my messed up mind. Trust me._**

**_Warning: Suicidal Thoughts and Yaoi. nothing too bad but there is boyxboy kissing._**

**_Enjoy! _**

**_F4LL3N_**

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_I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised.  
Do you understand?  
It's only you, beautiful.  
Or don't want anyone.  
If I can choose, it's only you.  
But how could I miscalculate _

_Perfect eyes will have perfect aim_

The No Seatbelt Song by Brand New

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The Soul Society was in a flurry of action as they prepared for the loss of two lieutenants and one very talented seated officer, one that could have a higher seat if not for everyone being scared of Byakuya's wrath. Most people wondered why Captain- Commander Yamamoto was sending so many important people to the rescue of one lieutenant. Even though they knew well enough not to question the old man's agenda, especially in public, there were many whispers concerning his decision. Unknown to the common people, Yamamoto was not doing this for his own selfish reasons. He truly was worried for Shuuhei, especially after the wakeup call from Kisuke, but he knew he could not show it, especially to his subordinates.

~*~

Renji was delighted. He and Ichigo would finally get to be together without all the sneaking around. Yeah, sure, he did feel a little sad. He had liked Shuuhei as a guy, and a friend, just not in the way the black haired soul reaper wanted. And yeah, the fact that the man that he had pretended to love for almost a year broke up with him, irked him. But this annoyance was drowned by the euphoria he felt because he and Ichigo could be together without the complication of Shuuhei.

Shuuhei was a problem that now had been solved.

The red head hurried his step, excited to spread the great news to Ichigo. It seemed it took shorter than usual to walk to Ichigo's flat. He was so excited to finally be able to kiss the orange haired substitute soul reaper in public now without the fear of Shuuhei finding out. Why had he even bothered with Shuuhei? Ichigo was so obviously superior.

Barely able to contain himself, Renji knocked on the white door and waited impatiently for his lover to appear.

"Coming!" a husky voice yelled from the inside of the flat. Renji loved the sound of Ichigo's voice. The door opened and Renji pounced, ravishing the orange haired man's mouth. Finally they pulled apart gasping.

"What's with all the excitement," Ichigo laughed, smiling at the still beaming older man.

"I love you," Renji declared kissing the man yet again.

"What about Shuuhei?" Ichigo asked calmly. Shuuhei was not Ichigo's favorite person and everyday Ichigo worried that Renji might leave him. He loved Renji so much and therefore hated the black haired soul reaper with every molecule in his being.

"Who cares about Shuuhei? Why did I even date him? I have no idea. It was not worth it. I want you and only you. Marry me?" Renji said, every word bursting with love.

"You mean that. Shuuhei is done?" Ichigo said feeling all the worry leave his body. Why had he worried? Of course Renji loved him more than Shuuhei.

"More than you can possibly know, I love you Ichigo Kurosaki, please marry me. Be mine forever," Renji said embracing Ichigo with everything that he had.

"Of course," Ichigo said kissing a chaste kiss on his lover's lips. "Now come on in, let's talk more about this marriage thing," Ichigo said and lead the red head into the flat, closing the door gently behind him.

Unbeknownst to the two lovers, another person witnessed the engagement and had heard everything.

~*~

The Soul Society hurriedly said their goodbyes to those departing. Captain- Commander Yamamoto was forcing Rukia, Momo, and Kira to leave earlier than expected. He had gotten disturbing news from Urahara. Shuuhei was no longer in his home and currently his location was unknown. Yamamoto knew what the man was capable and did not want anyone including Shuuhei himself to be harmed in anyway. His motto had always been that it was better if no one at all ever got hurt.

Rukia spent her last hours in the Soul Society convincing Byakuya that she would be fine in the world of the living. Shuuhei was a friendly guy and she was sure that he would come back with no struggle at all. Most people never realized the kind of guy Byakuya was. On the outside, he was cold and calculating, but ever since Rukia's near death he finally exposed his soft insides. He just wanted to make sure that Rukia would never be taken from him again and finally he was convinced she would be fine. He bad her goodbye as she rushed to meet the two lieutenants that would be coming with her. Byakuya made sure to learn their names well because if even a scratch appeared on Rukia, he would beat them down.

Momo spent her last hour straightening her room up. She hated coming back from the world of the living to find her room a wreck. Before she left, she stopped by to say farewell to Captain Hitsugaya. He seemed reluctant to see her go. He did not want to let her out of his view just in case anything bad was to happen to her. Everyone knew Toshiro was completely in love with Momo, even if he didn't say it himself.

Kira spent his last hour pacing in front of the senkai gate. He was worried. Everyone was taking so long, and what if something bad were to happen to Shuuhei. He'd never be able to forgive himself.

Finally, the two women met up with Kira at the senkai gate. It opened and they departed into the world of the living. The last thoughts they had were that this mission would be easy. They were oh so very wrong.

~*~

**Shuuhei's POV**

_I am worthless. _

_No one likes me._

_I hate myself._

_I am worthless._

_I do not deserve to be saved._

_I am worthless._

_After all this, and I still love him._

_I am worthless._

I got up from my position from the apartment across from Ichigo's flat. I know it's wrong to watch Renji but I can't help myself.

_I am so stupid._

_Someone, please help me._

**End Shuuhei's POV**

~*~

A knock on the door started the two men eating a peaceful dinner at their table.

"I wonder who it could be, especially at this time," Ichigo said, checking for reitsu. When he found none, he got up from the table and opened the door slowly.

"Oh hello," he said pleasantly surprised.

"Hi Ichigo!" Rukia said happily, "And you Renji! What are you doing here? I thought you were dating Shuuhei. Hahaha."

Before she could finish what she was saying and inquire as to the whereabouts of the black haired soul reaper, Renji interrupted. "Not anymore. We broke up. I'm with Ichigo now. We're going to get married."

Kira just stared. That was the reason Shuuhei was a danger to himself. "Renji, please tell me you are not that stupid. Shuuhei… is delicate. That is actually the reason we are here. Shuuhei is a danger to himself. The Soul Society is afraid he might… off himself."

Renji showed no emotion. "Well you got me wrong there, Shuuhei dumped me, not the other way around."

"Fuck," Kira stated and shunpoed away. He needed to find Shuuhei as soon as possible. This wasn't going to end well and that was a fact.

**Shuuhei's POV**

_This is the last night I live._

_Goodbye._

TBC

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**_Authors Note: Sorry for the cliff hanger but I couldn't help myself. Muahahahaha_**

**_All Reviewers get Urahara plushies 3 :)_**


	4. Chapter 4

Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 4

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**_Author's Note: Heeey guys. :) It's been brought to my attention that I have way too much action and not enough back story. I'm going to try to remedy that in the next chapter because, well, I have a plan of how that's gonna work out. I love all of my reviewers so so much. _**

**_Thank yous to HR, darkangel1992, ObsidianBttrfly, renjisaseximofo, and especially relic yuy^^ thank you so much everyone. And to anyone who may have read this fanfic thank you as well 3_**

**_Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo. But I wish I was :)_**

**_Warning: Violence, Swearing and the like_**

**_Cheers!_**

**_F4LL3N_**

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_I just wanna break you down so badly  
While I trip over everything you say  
I just wanna break you down so badly  
In the worst way_

I'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave  
No, you won't ever get too far from me

_-Makedamnsure by Taking Back Sunday_

* * *

After a few hours of scanning Karakura town for Shuuhei's reitsu, Kira, Momo, and Rukia gave up. Shuuhei had always been good at hiding his reitsu so if he didn't want to be found, it was unlikely he would be. Ichigo, trying to be accommodating of the Soul Reapers, invited the lieutenants and, of course, Rukia to stay in his flat. He knew they could always stay at Urahara's place but the shopkeeper had the talent to unnerve most people by being so creepy and perverted. Needless to say, the soul reapers jumped at the chance to stay at Ichigo's. When Rukia immediately called Ichigo's closet, and even Renji had to laugh.

~*~

Kira, though he loathed saying it, thought that Ichigo was being a great guy. He tried over and over again to make himself believe that Ichigo was a slut and a jackass but he could not picture Ichigo as being that much of a jerk to anyone. Ichigo seemed to be a pure soul and Kira hated it.

While Kira was trying again and again to picture Ichigo as an asshole, Ichigo was setting up Momo in the guest room. Kira insisted that he sleep on the lumpy couch instead of Momo. His personal belief was that women deserved to have a better sleep, plus he knew the thoughts swirling in his mind would surely scare away sleep. Ichigo got some blankets for both of them and showed them where the linen closet was just in case they got cold during the night.

Kira tried to make himself as comfortable as possible on the crappy couch and finally let his emotions take over. Shuuhei was somewhere out there, alone and depressed. Something bad was going to happen, he was sure of it. Kira let out a small sob, too soft for anyone else in the house to hear. He made sure of that. He needed to stay strong, even if it was just for Shuuhei.

After a few minutes of deep thinking it seemed Kira's brain shut down. He drifted off into a restless sleep.

The next morning, Kira woke up to the sound of a sleepy Ichigo stumbling on his way towards the kitchen. Kira caught a few words muttered under the substitute soul reaper's breath about Renji coming back to bed and to stop making breakfast.

Ichigo made his way steadily to the kitchen and peered in, "Huh? Renji, is that you?" he said disbelievingly.

Kira then heard the soft, girly reply that was most definitely not Renji's husky tone, "Um… Ichigo, it's me, Momo. Uh… I decided to make breakfast for you to show my gratitude for letting up stay here. Sorry if I confused you," she said shining a sweet smile and bowing slightly.

"It's alright Momo," Ichigo said softly then turned his head away and bellowed, "Oi, Renji, where the fuck are you?"

When there was no reply, Kira decided to get up. Something weird was happening. Renji would take that yell as a chance to get into an argument, and would answer using as many offensive terms as possible. This wasn't like him at all.

Kira slowly stood up, stretched, and stumbled towards the kitchen deeply regretting sleeping on the couch. He walked slowly into the kitchen, rubbing his bleary eyes, and saw a deeply worried Ichigo and an apologetic Momo.

"Renji, this is NOT FUCKING FUNNY!" Ichigo yelled anxiously. Kira was surprised that hadn't woken Rukia, but then again, that girl could sleep through practically anything. No return answer was heard.

"Ichigo, calm down," Kira said putting his hand on the orange haired man's forearm. "Do you mind if I check out you room? It may help find his whereabouts," Kira spoke gently while smiling softly. He knew that Ichigo knew that Renji was missing and it was time to take this seriously, although Ichigo didn't want to.

"Uh, yeah…Yeah, of course Kira," Ichigo answered flustered. He showed Kira to a room at the end of the hallway, opened the door and entered. "I apologize for the mess," Ichigo said. When he realized Kira wasn't behind him, he turned around confused. There was Kira standing wide-eyed in the hallway, not yet having entered the room.

"Kira…. What's up?" Ichigo asked walking up to Kira but he was in a daze and didn't answer. "Kira!" Ichigo said sharply shaking the blonde.

"Ichigo…" Kira started somberly but stopped, unable to get the words out.

"Kira! Just spit it out! What's the matter?" Ichigo was starting to get frustrated.

"Ichigo," Kira said in almost a business like voice. "There are traces of another reitsu in this room. An angry one, one that would want revenge," Kira spoke hoping Ichigo could draw a conclusion but was met with a blank, confused gaze.

"And?" Ichigo asked, confused by what Kira said. Who would want revenge on Renji?

Kira sighed, "Ichigo, it's Shuuhei." He continued softly, "He's kidnapped Renji." Ichigo's eyes glinted dangerously. Kira began to worry. Shuuhei was going to be in deep shit now that Ichigo was involved.

"I feel for the guy, I really do. I really do. But, this is going too far. Way too far. Who does that? Really? Who kidnaps someone's boyfriend? That's a bitchy thing to do. I'm going to get that son of a bitch. I swear," Ichigo babbled on in an angry rage. The substitute soul reaper seemed to become more hollow-like after every word.

"Ichigo! Shuuhei needs help, not to be hurt more," Kira snarled his eyes becoming enraged in turn, "Do not forget your place. We are the ones looking for him, NOT you. Stand down."

"Just because you have a crush on him doesn't mean he deserves to be saved!" Ichigo yelled, now thoroughly outraged. "Fuck you, Izuru."

Kira broke. That was the last straw. He swung and hit Ichigo full on in the face. "Shut up you bitch! You don't know anything at all! Shut the fuck up," he said throwing another punch.

Ichigo easily dodged this and in turn attempted to kick Kira in the stomach. He missed and was rewarded with another thrown punch. Kira missed this time. "Kira, you suck. You such a little whore it's a wonder Shuuhei even talked to you. You wanna know why Renji even dated Shuuhei. 'Cause he reminded Renji of me. So yeah go fuck your little boyfriend, we all know who really wants to be together and who doesn't. Fucker!" Ichigo bellowed and in his disengaged from his gigai. Kira, following suit, went into soul from and drew his zampaktou.

"Come on boys, that is enough," a small yet demanding voice spoke from the end of the hallway. Both of the men turned and saw Momo standing there, arms crossed, and giving them both a disappointed glare. "If you keep up that racket, you'll wake up Rukia and you both know what she's like in the morning. Anyway, breakfast is ready." She turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Both men reluctantly put back on their gigais, all the while giving each other dirty glares.

~*~

Renji woke up in a dark, seemingly damp room. He tried to stretch his arms, not realizing where he was and found them strapped down to the arms of the chair he was sitting on. He had no idea where he was.

"Ichigo, this isn't funny!" Renji growled thoroughly scared.

A dark figure arouse from the darkness in a corner of the room, "Finally, you're up, sleeping beauty. Time for us to have some fun."

Renji squinted trying to make out who the speaker was. It was Shuuhei smiling evilly and leaning on his zampakotou. Only one thought ran through Renji's mind.

_I've created a monster._

TBC

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**_Hey everybody. REVIEW PLEASE. My heart will be yours forever :)_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 5**

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**_Authors Note: Hey guys. I know. 2 Chapters. :) I was feeling like giving you guys a holiday gift. I know I'm a little late for Hanukkah. happy holidays to all!_**

**_Thank you: to everyone ^.^_**

**_Disclaimer: I am not Tite Kubo. I do not own Bleach. Yeah yeah we know. :)_**

**_Warning: Violence, Swearing, mentions of boyxboy sex (not explicit), and self harm mentions. There is Renji bashing. It's a bit depressing in parts and angering._**

* * *

_You're gonna need a bodybag,  
I'll break bones you didn't know you had.  
When I'm done there will be nothing left of you  
for your friends to hold on to  
when they find you cold and blue tonight,  
face down in a parking lot.  
- Body Bag by Hit The Lights_

* * *

"Well, well, well darling, did we have a good sleep?" Shuuhei feigned interest as he drew closer, smirking. "Wouldn't want you to sleep through all the fun." Hot breath hit Renji's face and the red head looked up. The older man's face was inches from his, his eyes darkening in anger, which Renji mistook for lust. Renji leaned upward trying to capture the black haired man's lips in his but Shuuhei pulled away and punched the red head in the stomach.

"Shuuhei, what the fuck was that for?" Renji yelled, pulling at his bonds trying to get a swing in as well. He hated being beat up and wanted to have his chance to defend himself. Shuuhei was having none of that. He was pissed off and would get his revenge, one way or another.

"Who are you to question me?" Shuuhei roared once again slugging Renji in the gut. "You don't know anything. You don't know HALF of the crap I've been through… all because of YOU!" Shuuhei pointed Kazeshini at Renji's chest. "How's it feel now, pet?"

"What are you talking about Shuuhei? You were the one who dumped me? Remember?" Renji asked softly his eyes pleading for Shuuhei to put down the zanpakuto. Shuuhei being as stubborn as he was of course declined to put down the katana and instead had the blade resting softly on Renji's chest.

"You thought I wouldn't notice, did you? Your little sneak outs at night. I'm not a fool!" Shuuhei screamed slashing across Renji's chest leaving a shallow cut. It bled little but still hurt like a bitch. "You thought I couldn't taste him on you. I'm not the fool, you are."

"Shuuhei, I'm confused. What in the world are you talking about?" Renji gasped through the pain, but the curiosity of what Shuuhei was talking about shined through. And as everyone knows, curiosity killed the cat.

"So you want to hear it. Alright then, I'll tell you," Shuuhei said calmly. Renji deserved to know what he did to him. "But after that, you answer me one thing, why?"

Renji nodded in agreement and waited patiently for Shuuhei to start.

"Well you see, I was coming home from Urahara's…"

FLASHBACKShuuhei's POV

It had been crappy out for the past couple of weeks and finally today of all days, the weather cleared up.

"Oi, Shuuhei, wait up!" a voice yelled from behind me.

"Hey, Kisuke. What's up?" I said, "Did I forget something?"

"No. Umm… Do you want to practice any longer?" Kisuke inquired with an odd look on his face.

"Sorry Kisuke, can't. I wanna surprise Renji by being home early. Thought I'd also make us a picnic to take to the park," I answered too enthralled by my plan to excite Renji than notice that Kisuke was trying to stall me from going home.

Before I left I heard him mutter something that sounded a lot like "And surprise you'll get," but I wasn't sure. It was too nice to worry about Urahara being mysterious; I mean the dude's always been like that, what's the big change.

I practically shunpoed home, so excited to see Renji. I loved him more than I had loved anyone. He was my first, and he shall be my last. I want no one else.

I ran down the streets of Karakura town getting some weird glances. I couldn't blame them; I mean how often do you see a "human" running down the road faster than the people on bicycles good. Yeah, it's rare, but I wanted to see Renji so I really didn't give a rat's ass.

Finally, I made it to our house and took a few minutes to compose myself. I mean, I didn't want to go in there all out of breath and sweaty. Urahara's shop and my house weren't anywhere near each other but it was a good workout and I welcomed the workout.

That is when I heard it. It's not like they were trying to keep it down or anything. It was moaning and groaning and all other noises that could possibly lead to the conclusion that someone, somewhere, was getting some. But, the noises were coming from my house.

Must be Renji jacking off. Catch him at the perfect moment and give him a hand getting rid of a problem.

But I knew Renji, and he rarely made loud noises, especially not this loud. Something was wrong. I slowly put my key into the keyhole and turned the door knob slowly trying not to make any noises. Once I succeeded in that, I opened the door slowly praying that it would not squeak. I make my way noiselessly through the house, only to find Renji sprawled on our bed. With Ichigo Kurosaki sprawled on top of him.

"Ohhh, Ichigo, more," Renji moaned sultrily. Just the moan turned me on slightly but then I remembered, he never moaned like that for me. Never. No matter how much I pleased him, it obviously wasn't enough because here Renji was squirming and moaning under the skillful mouth of … Ichigo?

Him, of all people. I always thought he'd be a virgin forever, or at least straight.

The moans sped up, leaving me with my pants tightening. I couldn't help it. Renji's moans were just so hot… but then I remembered why he was moaning and almost threw up. I had to get out of there, which I did. As soon as I ran as far as I could, I stopped, kneeling over, panting.

Renji… and Ichigo. My Renji… with another man.

I hated myself so much.

**End Flashback**

"So you see, there's my story. Yeah, that was only the first time I caught you two together," Shuuhei sighed, seeming sadder than he had before. Renji was shocked. He had seen them together.

"How many times?" Renji asked in shock. He felt like such a jerk.

"Why don't you count for yourself you sick fuck!" Shuuhei yelled pulling his sleeve and pushing his wrist in front of Renji's face. "See what you did to me. See what you turned me into!"

"Shuuhei… I'm so sorry."

"No, you're not. You're just sorry I found out, aren't you, you whore. You stupid man slut. I hate you so much. You should die," Shuuhei said crashing his fist into Renji's face. "Now tell me why you stupid skank."

"You are a fucking bitch aren't you? I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"Yeah well prove it, tell me why you stupid ho!" Shuuhei screamed, repeatedly slamming his fist into every part of Renji.

"Why!?! Because you tempted me!" Renji said.

**FLASHBACK**

Renji's POV

When I left the soul society, to capture and bring Rukia back to the soul society, I fought him. The beautiful, sexy Ichigo Kurosaki. Just the intensity of his attacks made me horny and then his looks, well, that was a total different story. I was barely able to hurt him that bad, and Byakuya had to step in. I found the orange haired man just too mouth watering. But of course Byakuya could not leave him alive and administered the death blow and we left with Rukia in tow.

That is when I first saw Shuuhei around. He looked exactly like the sex god I had seen in the world of the living. I couldn't help myself; I had to try to seduce him. Kira was so tied up in his captain that I could do whatever I wanted with you.

The first day I tried to, I succeeded, I could tell. I asked him out for sake. Of course, Shuuhei couldn't deny me because I was a lieutenant, as well as him, and to keep up appearances, he had to go. But that wasn't the only reason. I knew the black haired soul reaper found me sexy and I had to exploit that. I just wanted a one night stand that's all. I got him nice and drunk, not as bad as Kira could get, but good enough. He was stumbling everywhere. In this state, he would definitely fuck me.

I took Shuuhei back to my place, but he passed out before I even got the chance to do anything. I figured there was always next time.

The next day, before he left for his quarters, I asked him out on a proper date, to a restaurant renowned throughout the soul society for the best food. Shuuhei blushed sweetly and accepted. I wanted to take him right then and there, but only succeeded in a kiss and Shuuhei pushing me off saying he wanted it to be special. Great, he wanted it to be special, this could be a challenge.

I arrived at the restaurant earlier and got a table in the back. It had more privacy than the others and I knew just what I was going to do with it. A few minutes later, Shuuhei arrived, looking adorable. He kissed me sweetly on the lips then sat down. I wish he was sitting on my lap so I could show him just how interested I was in him.

We talked for ages and ate. Right before we were going to leave, Shuuhei dropped the bombshell. He was sorry for making me wait but I was his first boyfriend, and he wanted it to be special. Damn why did I have to get stuck with the virgin.

But he reminded me so much of Ichigo I couldn't help myself. I nearly got hard thinking of Ichigo and since Shuuhei looked exactly like him, why not?

**END FLASHBACK**

"See Shuuhei, you looked just like him. That was the only reason, and now I deeply regret it. When Ichigo came to save Rukia, which was the first time we fucked. We carried it on for quite a while. I wanted to dump you, but Kira was always staring me down. You have good friend, Shuuhei, dangerous, but good," Renji ended staring Shuuhei in the face.

Shuuhei felt broken. So he wasn't even worth love, just lust for his looks. He hated himself. He lifted Kazeshini to his throat.

"Going to end it all emo boy. Hahahaha. You are such a loser. Why did I date you? Goodness. Can anyone say bad idea?" Renji taunted.

_I cant take this_ Shuuhei thought as he lowered the blade to his throat and cut.

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**_REVIEWWW!!!! All reviewers get Shuuhei for a holiday gift from me. Just imagine that. Just Shuuhei with a bow ^_~_**


	6. Chapter 6

**Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 6**

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**_Authors Note: Hey Guys. Two New Chapters for ya. BIG TWIST. :) Hope you like it_**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing. as per usual._**

**_Warning: Craziness, Terror, Blood._**

**_Yep, here it is. Love you all to death so please review. Thank you reviewers. I'll mention you all in the next chapter 3_**

**_Cheers!_**

**_F4LL3N_**

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_So maybe I took a little too much.  
Maybe life didn't want this part of me.  
It it helps to know, I never let you go.  
Sure, I lost my mind.  
But I never really meant to die_

-Meant to Die by The Used

* * *

Shuuhei was floating in a blanket of white. His eyes were wide open, searching for the exit from the uniform background that was suffocating him. He had been stuck here for a while and he wasn't quite sure he wanted to be here any longer. He had tried freeing himself numerous times, but if it had worked he wasn't sure because the environment surrounding him never changed. The black haired soul reaper had yelled, kicked, squirmed, and nothing seemed to change at all. He finally resigned to his fate and let himself just float. He lost track of time in the limbo he was stuck in.

Suddenly, the coloration of the black haired soul reaper's environment changed. At first it was a barely noticeable change of coloration. Hints of light pink, which seemed like a trick of light, streaked the white. They slowly began to darken and before he knew it, he was surrounded in a bright blood red that seemed to be seeping from his very being.

_My blood, it's my blood. Lovely._

Flashes of memory began to haunt his mind; Renji telling his story, the blade, so cold, against his throat. Shuuhei began squirming again not wanting to remember what he had done. No, he did not want to know. At every movement of his body the color deepened until it was almost black and soaked with blood. He felt the dripping.

_Shit. _

He needed to get away. Memories were threatening to burst through the very well constructed damn inside of his mind. He hastily began to move trying to free himself from the color but it only deepened.

Through the haze, Shuuhei spotted a face. The one face he did not want to see. The one face that wanted to overthrow his very mind. The one he thought he had rid from his life forever. He began to flail begging his body to move away. But of course that didn't work. Shuuhei had never had good luck.

~*~

Renji let out a sob. He was so fucked up. He had pushed him too far away again. Renji had made the one man he cared about slit his throat right in front of him. Self-hatred ran through Renji's veins. He hated himself more than anyone had ever guessed.

Yes, Renji had loved Shuuhei with his whole mind, whole soul. And maybe that was the problem. He didn't deserve to be loved, or to love.

He hadn't dated Shuuhei for his resemblance to Ichigo, no, Renji had never forgotten the man he practically saw every day in that dreaded classroom in the Academy. He called it dreaded because it was a curse to Renji every time his heart beat faster and he got butterflies in the pit of his stomach which seemed to be a common occurrence in that classroom or any time he laid eyes upon the gorgeous sight that was Shuuhei. Yeah, Renji never dated Shuuhei out of lust, he needed that excuse to keep himself sane; a way to rationalize that every time he expressed his love for someone, they became a monster. Of course, it was never Renji's fault; it was always his lover's fault for loving him in the first place. He hated the part of him that couldn't let love be enough but had to push. The half forgotten things he had done in the past always made sure that would never happen.

~*~

Unknown to everyone except Urahara and Captain Commander Yamamoto, Kisuke knew what the red head was going through. When he had contacted Yamamoto to warn him of Shuuhei's problems, he did not only have a warning about the black haired soul reaper but that was the only one heeded. The shopkeeper warned the old man about Renji as well. But of course the wise man wouldn't listen. Nothing was wrong with the lieutenant, he would have realized. On the contrary to the belief of the old man, Kisuke could practically feel every time Renji lost a bit of himself to another man. He could almost taste the pain Renji was in on the tip of his tongue.

Renji wasn't a sex addict, the blonde was sure of that. Kisuke had a hunch that the red head was trying to wash himself clean of previous sins by hiding them within the mess of all his other sins. The dirtier he became, the further the other, worse sins were hidden in the darkness.

The ex-captain had expressed his concerns for the red head to numerous people, but no one listened. Renji seemed fine and there was no reason to dig deeper was there. Plus, who would listen to someone who seemed crazy rant about someone who was supposedly crazy. It just didn't make sense so Renji continued to flounder in a cycle of darkness that he did not have the power to end.

~*~

Ichigo's eyes widened.

"Renji," he whispered feeling the man's reitsu burst with such a power he did not believe was possible.

"Shuuhei, his reitsu, it's different," Kira mumbled half to himself.

"Shit, Kira, what in the hell are you waiting for?" Ichigo spoke commandingly. Kira looked up startled.

"Oh. Yes, sorry Ichigo. Let's go," the blonde said, quickly abandoning his gigai and shunpoing to the door. Ichigo following suit and they left the house in a rush.

Shuuhei's POV

It was him. The one I kept kidding myself I could hide. He was strong and I wasn't sure I could fight him off, bleeding like I was.

"Well hello there Shuuhei. Nice to see you are finally aware of where you are," his voice echoed oddly throughout the stuffy area still becoming darker, drenched with my blood.

"What do you want?" I said tired. I wouldn't be able to deal with him. So this is what he was waiting for. The white haired man stood smiling at me.

"Of course this is what I was waiting for Shuuhei," he said through the small gap in his mask. When I looked startled, he added, "Forgot I could hear your thoughts. I almost forgot how stupid you were. I could have done this with my eyes closed." He smiled evilly and drew his zanpakuto. He ran his long tongue down the length in a suggesting manner. "Anything to say, king. Any last words."

"GO AWAY! I don't need you," I shouted again trying to get away. He just stalked closer.

"Are you sure about that king? It looks like you need a hand. I would be oh so willing," he said sarcastically smiling. I hated him all the more.

"Leave me alone!" I yelled. He needed to go away. I could do this myself. I would never accept help from… his kind.

"Well sorry, no can do. See, you are dying. By your own hand, nonetheless. And sorry to tell you but, I can't let this go down, see I wanna survive. And you are making it quite difficult," he said drawing closer putting his face next to mine, glaring at me with his black eyes with amber irises. Yes, I did hate him, so much.

"Just let me die. I'd rather that than have you ruling my body," I stated matter of factly staring him right into his deadly eyes.

"Sorry king, but that's already happening," he spoke smiling sarcastically. "You see, this conversation was just for show, I already own your body." His laugh was high pitched and a shiver went straight down my spine.

"You son of a bitch," I yelled, raised my zanpakuto, and attacked.

End Shuuhei's POV

Kira and Ichigo drew closer to Renji's prison when they heard an evil howl.

"Are you kidding me? A hollow, at a time like this!" Ichigo shouted.

"It's in the same direction that we are heading," Kira said peacefully trying to calm down the irate substitute soul reaper. "We'll deal with it afterwards."

"Good point Kira," Ichigo smiled, happy that Kira was here to calm him down. His body seemed to become less tense at the blonde's words and he was grateful for that. Too much stress was never good.

The two soul reapers shunpoed further into Karakura town looking for where Renji was being held captive. His reitsu got closer but when Ichigo took more time to analyze it, it was scared. Renji was never scared. Shuuhei would pay for that.

"Kira, are we close?" Ichigo asked and turned to see the blond on top of a house.

"Here," Kira spoke in the whisper like tone of his. Ichigo stood beside Kira looking at the house in depth. It looked familiar.

"This is Shuuhei's place," Ichigo said quickly breaking a window and climbing into what appeared to be a living room.

"I think he's in the basement," Kira said hurrying down a hallway to a door. He peered past the doorway at a set of stairs. "This way," he said holding the door open for Ichigo as he barreled down the stairs two at a time.

"Renji!" he yelled finally catching sight of the red head… that was crying.

"What happened?" Ichigo said worried, "Where do you hurt?" Ichigo was too enthralled in the red head to notice what lay on the other side of the room. Renji whimpered and pointed to other end of the dank room. Ichigo looked and automatically drew his zanpakuto. "Kira, get Urahara!" Ichigo bellowed not looking at Kira. When the blonde began to fuss Ichigo just yelled again, "Just get him, Kira. Now. Please," Ichigo stated again.

Kira dared to glance once into the corner before he left. There stood the man he was sent here to find, but changed. He wore a mask and his hair was white and his reitsu was different, evil. Yes, Shuuhei was no longer himself, but was being possessed by a hollow.

_Crap!_ Kira thought before he ran up the stairs to find Urahara as fast as possible. He didn't have to look for too long because, of course, the perverted shop keeper knew what had happened and was there when Kira reached the top of the stairs.

"Hello there, Kira," the blonde said in his normal, too cheerful voice before heading down the stairs into the darkness.

TBC

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**_Authors Note: Not really a cliff hanger since I posted two chapters :) I will love you forever if you review 3_**


	7. Chapter 7

**Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 7 Edited**

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_**Author's Note: Hey Guys. Anyone who decides to read this is a saint. I'm finally back... I know it's been bloody forever. I won't make any excuses for myself other than the fact that writer's block is a bitch. In order to get some ideas I had to rewrite this chapter a bit. It's not extremely different I just fixed it up a bit. I recommend reading it before the next chapter, it might help you to remember what this fanfic was about in the first place.**_

**_Disclaimer: These characters belong to Tite Kubo. I just like to steal them and put them in awkward situations._**

**_Warning: swearing, mentions of boyxboy relationships_**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_-F4LL3N_**

* * *

_"Now I'm lying on the table, _  
_with everything you said, _  
_it will all catch up eventually, _  
_well, it caught up and honestly, _  
_the weight of my decisions, _  
_were impossible to hold." _

-This Photograph is Proof by Taking Back Sunday

* * *

**Kisuke POV**

I knew something like this would happen sooner or later. Shuuhei had been hiding his hollow for too long and in his current position it was difficult for his inner demon not to take advantage of him. I mean, hollows were selfish, and a gaping break in the vice-captain's outer sanity was a great chance to take over Shuuhei's soul.

The pills that I had prescribed had helped to keep that demon deep down locked in his mind along with any triggers that might launch a bipolar episode. But, with everything else that was going on in his life, the medication was pretty much useless. Yes, I was a psychiatrist for a hobby but all the mental ailments that Shuuhei had were beyond my skill to heal or even to lessen the symptoms of. In his case, I was not terribly helpful at all.

But compared to Renji, Shuuhei's being bipolar seemed like a piece of cake. I have no idea what keeps the red head from loving and quite frankly I am not in a hurry to find out. I can't help him anyway, that kind of illness is one that needs to be dealt with alone which in my opinion would be the most difficult part of the entire thing. To face such deep inner despair alone would be painful and probably leave him mentally shaken for quite some time.

And Ichigo, well, he would not be without mental scars after this. I of course, would do anything to help erase them but, as I know from personal experience, those scars don't heal easily. Plus, an old man like me would not be too much of help anyway. Men my age are liable to get attached and that would not make those scars heal any faster. Yet my heart says that I should give it a try. On the other hand, who listens to their heart all the time anyways? Such a stunt would probably drive me crazy, well more crazy than I already am.

I shook my head quickly to render my mind blank, one should never fight with emotions clouding their judgment, and headed downstairs to help with a more pressing problem than my old heart, such as the hollow… well, Shuuhei… attacking. I smiled quickly at Renji who was being fussed over by Ichigo. I was jealous of course but I shoved it down and turned slowly towards the corner.

The hollow was standing there looking cocky. He had white spiky hair exactly in the style the former soul reaper had worn it. Also, the mask he wore was quite intriguing. It seemed the design on the mask included Shuuhei's tattoos with a few more markings thrown randomly across it in bright red. The hollow had a long white tail emerging from under it's clothes that had three yellow, deadly looking spikes emerging from it at the end. His arms were the same sickly white that all hollows were and were very muscular and fit. It seemed poor Mr. Shuuhei was quite far along in the hollowification process. Nonetheless I could still be of some help getting him back, but it would be a gamble.

"Well, hello there Shuuhei," I spoke calmly being sure to keep the cheerful tone that I normally had present, even if it was subtly. Ichigo looked up for a second and it seemed my heart would explode, swelling to twice its size in happiness, just in that glance. But then he, quickly, all to quickly for my liking, went back to the task of kissing Renji chastely on the lips. My heart blew up, its pieces embedded into the walls surrounding me, but he could never know and with that I put my carefully constructed mask of humor back on.

"I love your makeover," I smirked winking sexually at the hollow. Shuuhei… or should I say, the hollow… howled that terribly chilling howl yet again and his eyes glinted dangerously.

"Shut up old man. Shuuhei is no longer here. I live here now, if you get my drift. Sorry to tell you, buddy, but you were too late," he spoke in an odd echoing voice then laughed as if he had told a hysterical joke.

"Odd… I don't remember hearing a joke," I said glancing at the hollow smiling wide, "Sorry I missed it, I bet it was hilarious." I smirked, waiting for his come back that I knew he would shoot at me.

"Get over yourself old man. You make me laugh, but sarcasm is not the way to go. You will not get back Shuuhei, I can guarantee that," he said self-assured. It made me sick.

"Oh, well, I'm not so convinced," I smiled back and unsheathed Benihime. "I bet I could get him back. How much would you like to wager?" I joked.

"You think you're so funny. Well, you aren't. Just hurry up and finish so I can finally kill you and the two others. I'm so bored. Tell ya what, I like you, I'll make it nice and painless, just like goin' to sleep, 'cept for the fact ya never getting' up. Unless, you wanna make this difficult," he smirked evilly trying to intimidate me. To tell you the truth, he failed miserably. He just seemed less scary than he would of if he had just kept his mouth shut.

I laughed so hard that I was barely able to gasp out, "Wow! I'm so scared." I, then, stared directly at him, my face somber and spoke sarcastically, "Oh Mr. Hollow, or should I say Mr. Shuuhei, do your worst." Then I added a few more giggles just to make him good and pissed off.

"That's it old man," the hollow growled and unsheathed his zanpakuto which had been formerly known as Kazeshini.

"I'll have you know that I am not that old," I smiled and held up Benihime. "Bring it on." And with that the hollow attacked.

**End Kisuke POV**

~*~

The shopkeeper lay sprawled out on the ground in the basement bleeding profusely. Orihime was going to heal him first, because his injuries were so extensive, but Ichigo forced her to heal Renji first. Sure, he was worried for Urahara but if Renji were to die, he was not sure what he would do.

And as for Shuuhei, he was back to his soul reaper form again. Kisuke had managed to pull him back from the grasps of his mind but not before the blonde had been seriously injured. The black haired soul reaper was sitting with his back against the wall, head in his hands, sobbing. He couldn't believe he let the one thing he was trying to hide take over. He felt so stupid; Ichigo could control his hollow so simply, why couldn't he. He was worthless. Even Kurosaki was better than him.

Rukia was rubbing Shuuhei's back, trying to reassure him but it seemed like nothing could do that. His sobs just kept coming, as if his tears would never dry, never stop, much like a water tap left on, the water continuously pouring. Rukia looked up and noticed the very injured Urahara's breath start to come in terribly loud gasps.

"Ichigo, Orihime needs to heal Kisuke. Just look at him. He's not going to last much longer!" Rukia shouted immediately, not wanting the shopkeeper to die because Ichigo was being an idiot like normal.

"Shoot!" Orihime said and immediately focused her attention on the blonde shopkeeper. Ichigo started to fuss, wanting Orihime to finish healing Renji, but Rukia promptly went up to him and slapped him across the face.

"Ichigo, we know you love Renji. Yeah, yeah, but seriously stop being so selfish," Rukia scolded. Then she turned to Orihime. "Heal him," she said somberly and headed back to the corner where Shuuhei was still bawling his eyes out.

Orihime smiled thankfully and returned to healing the blonde. She hoped she wasn't too late.

"It's not your fault. You realize that. Shhh. Shhh. It'll be okay," Rukia whispered motherly from the corner. Shuuhei only cried more his entire body shaking with each sob.

He slowly raised his head, opened his chapped lips and whispered barely loud enough to hear, "He'll never forgive me now." Rukia's eyes began to water.

"Shuuhei…" she crooned.

"Don't waste your breath on me," he spoke, his voice cracking. Rukia promptly shut up and went back to rubbing his back soothingly.

_Urahara, get better. Shuuhei needs you more than anyone. Please._ Rukia chanted in her mind. The shopkeeper was the only one with the ability to give Shuuhei the ability to live without needing to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders.

And of course, like always, Renji could not move. It's not like he wanted this. He needed to comfort Shuuhei, needed to tell him it was all okay, and it was not his fault. But his body would not obey his mind and he still sat there with Ichigo draped over him. And it made him sick. He hated how lame he was.

"Hmm…. Where am I?" Kisuke's distinctive voice rose above the sobbing noises emanating from Shuuhei's empty shell.

"Welcome back Mr. Urahara," Orihime spoke innocently smiling slightly. She was proud of herself and her healing skills. It seemed Kisuke would make a full recovery.

"Oh, hello there Miss Inoe. Is Shuuhei here?" he enquired trying to look around but unable to raise his head high enough to see beyond Renji and Ichigo. The shopkeeper's heart twinged slightly with jealousy but finding Hisagi was a lot more important.

"Yes," Orihime said somberly gesturing slightly to the slumped over black haired figure in the corner with Rukia squatting next to him. Kisuke's face fell. He tried to get up and succeeded. But as he tried to take his first step he nearly fell. Orihime helped him down again. "Please don't move," she added sweetly.

"Alright, you know best," he kidded, his countenance cheerful again. He beckoned her to bend down and whispered into Orihime's ear, "Tell Shuuhei it's not his fault." He then promptly passed out again.

The orange haired girl made sure Kisuke was situated well and was being healed then walked over to Rukia and Shuuhei. She bent down and joined Rukia in soothing the obviously distressed soul reaper. "Shuuhei," she spoke sweetly to the slumped over man. He picked up his head slightly and his broken face gazed into hers. "It's not your fault," the big-breasted girl said.

"Yeah, says who," he retorted bringing his face into his palms and rocking back and forth.

"Me, Mr. Urahara, Rukia, everyone," Orihime said sweetly rubbing the black haired soul reapers back in a motherly way.

"Yeah, so you guys say. But look what I've done. Now tell me it's not my fault. How will I ever be forgiven for this?" Shuuhei said and immediately broke out in new sobs. Orihime's face fell and so did Rukia's.

Was it possible for Shuuhei to be healed in a state like this? Somehow Rukia doubted it and it broke her very heart with that knowledge.


	8. Chapter 8

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**Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 8**

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**_Author's Note: Hey guys. New chapter up! Finally! YAY!!! Review this chapter and you will own my heart for eternity._**

**_Disclaimer: Tite Kubo's characters, not mine. I just like to make their lives hell_**

**_Warning: swearing, angst and other such stuff._**

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_I'm leaving, I'm leaving_  
_Do me a favour don't even think of me now_  
_Just when you thought this was over_  
_It had only just begun_  
-Storytelling by Funeral For A Friend

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Urahara woke with a start, sitting straight up in the bed he had been confined to. He slowly patted himself down, startled that all the injuries he had sustained during his battle with the hollowfied Shuuhei were miraculously gone. Of course they were though, Orihime was involved in his healing. He almost wanted to chuckle out loud, but he managed to hold it in just in case it may bring into question his sanity.

The blonde slowly emerged from his bed having trouble escaping his cocoon like blankets and practically tripping over his feet in the process. He slowly rose to his full height, anticipating pain but then realized that none came and managed to pull on his normal robe without any difficulty. Like he did any morning, he then proceeded to walk right out of the door of his bedroom. The shopkeeper's bedroom led straight into a main room, which had been converted into a makeshift dining room complete with table and chairs. Upon exiting his bedroom, he paused at the doorway surprised. A large gathering of people was sitting around the dining table talking urgently in whispers. They all quieted when they saw the ex-captain.

"Yo, Urahara," Ichigo said sounding bored. The blonde's mood automatically lightened.

"Ichigo, Chad, Kira, Shuuhei, Inoe, Hinamori, Renji, Rukia, " Kisuke said, acknowledging each person with a nod as he spoke their name. "I love that you all showed up to see if I was any better. It just goes to show how much you care about old me," he said in mock love but then asked, " Well, what is going on here?"

"Uhh…," Hinamori said in her sweet voice, shooting a quick glance at Shuuhei, before returning her gaze to the blond again. "Actually, we all were wondering… What is going to happen to Shuuhei now?" she questioned as innocently as possible. Shuuhei slouched as far as he could into the chair and began to stare at the floor as soon as the question left the woman's mouth. Kira, as per usual, didn't miss anything and laid his hand reassuringly on his shoulder. Shuuhei flinched away.

"Ahh, good question Ms. Hinamori," Kisuke said smiling at the woman. "I think this is truly up to Shuuhei. I, of course, being the smart, handsome shopkeeper that I am, have a few suggestions." Kisuke said, winking at the black haired soul reaper. Shuuhei didn't notice, he was too involved counting the tiles on the floor.

"Are you seriously implying that this son of a bitch is going to get away with what he did? What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you just let this slide?" Ichigo said his temper flaring along with his reitsu. Kisuke shrugged off the younger boy's anger with a smile and composed his reply in his mind.

"Ichigo, to put this simply, does not involve you," he spoke again calmly, trying to bury his annoyance at the angry soul reaper.

Ichigo looked at the blonde, extremely angry. "What did you just say? How does this not involve me? He could have killed Renji!" Ichigo exclaimed. Shuuhei slumped deeper into his chair wishing that for once he could just be dead already. No one needed all the pain that he brought onto everyone. It would have been better for everyone if Urahara had just killed him.

"Ichigo, please calm down. Yes, I know Shuuhei brought the one you love into danger. Yeah, yeah, but I can assure you he did not do it on purpose," Urahara said in a calm voice trying to make the irate boy settle down.

"I can control my fucking hollow. It is not that damn difficult. Why can't he?" Ichigo bellowed at the blonde. Shuuhei agreed, why couldn't he control it? Was he really that weak? That useless? If Tousen could see him now what would he say? He sunk deeper into depression, wanting, praying that he would just die, just die and leave everyone else happy. He hated himself. He truly did.

At this Urahara got angry, but of course he could never show it. He hid his annoyance at the substitute soul reaper behind a huge smile. "Ichigo, hahaha good question. You see the creation of your hollow was so that you could regain your soul reaper powers. It was a side effect, and not quite potent enough to take you completely over because your soul reaper powers were soaring giving you a sort of control. However, Shuuhei was not that lucky. I accidentally created his hollow, trying to help cure his disorder. I'll have you know it worked for a while, but, with all the stressors in Shuuhei's life, his disorder worsened and his hollow got strong enough to be able to take over. Hahaha it seems I got way to scientific for you, remind me never to rant like this again," Urahara said seeing Ichigo's face get extremely confused. He then let out a small laugh.

"Whatever Urahara," Ichigo said, clearly still extremely angry. He got up from the table. "Renji, we're leaving," he spoke loudly to the red head then immediately left the shop, slamming the front door behind him. Renji got up warily, and walked out, shutting the door quietly behind himself, as if trying to apologize for his lover's attitude.

"Well, now that that is dealt with, I think this means I get to speak with Shuuhei alone," he smiled at the audience who were still all stunned at Ichigo's violent outburst and then looked expectantly at the vice-captain. He, as the shopkeeper had predicted, rose and walked to Urahara's room without a fight. Urahara, following suit, left the room and entered his own, shutting the door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Rukia ran to the door and pressed her ear eagerly to the door. The others just snorted at her immaturity and remained sitting. The muffled voices were revealed into two distinct ones, Urahara and Shuuhei. She smiled to herself at how clever the idea was.

"Well, hello, Shuuhei. You look so much better with black hair than white. Promise me you'll never dye it," the blonde spoke jokingly and smiling as he picked up his fan from the bedside table. He resumed to open it and fan himself.

The black haired soul reaper answered with a grunt and sat down on the edge of the bed looking more exhausted than Urahara had ever seen anyone look.

"Okay then, straight to business. I think you should return to the Soul Society. I am not a help to you--," Urahara was interrupted by Shuuhei's small voice that quickly gained power.

"You are a help to me. Sometimes, I think you are the only one who can help me. Why does everyone fucking do this? Decide to give up on me, I mean. What the fuck did I do to you Urahara? Is it too much to ask for you to help me? Just give me some pills or something; just get me back to normal. Is that too damn difficult for you?" the vice-captain then broke down in tears, grasping his hands into fists. He clenched them so hard his palms started to bleed leaving a red trail of blood on the blonde's blankets. Urahara just stared stunned at the sudden outburst.

_He's broken and somehow I don't think gluing him back together will make a difference this time. So, what am I going to do? The soul society won't know how to deal with this. They never do. But I just made it worse. His symptoms aren't getting any better. The emotions are becoming so strong and he can't fight it. The medication I gave him isn't working anymore. I need to find another one._

Shuuhei slowly looked up, his eyes hidden partially behind his hair, tears still shimmering. "I can't go back. What will happen if I have to work with Renji as a team? What will I do to him then? Who knows what could happen? I can't control these damn emotions. They just fly around in my mind and I can't even pretend I know what I'm doing. How am I supposed to function like this? Just answer me Urahara, what the fuck am I supposed to do?" he screamed punching his thigh so hard the ex- soul reaper was sure it would leave a nasty bruise.

"Shuuhei, calm down," Urahara spoke quietly.

"I can't," Shuuhei said quietly. "I'm just so angry, and I don't even know why. Please, just help me. Tell me you can help me," the vice-captain pleaded.

"I'll try," Urahara said seriously. _I just hope he's not too far gone._

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**Author's Note: howdy! What do you guys think? Love it, Hate it? Please tell me... just ya know... be nice about it :) all reviewers get a Kisuke in a box ;)**

**I know there wasn't that much action... or angst... or well anything at all in this chapter. But never you fear, there will be quite a bit in the next couple of chapters... which I'm hoping to post in the near future *crosses fingers* **

**I love all my readers and reviewers to bits and pieces! Thanks for putting up with me! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Mindblowingly Broken Chapter 9**

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_**Bleach is not mine. Don't rub it in^_^.**_

**__****A/N: Uhh... sorry it's been so long. But, here it is.. finally. I've actually got some ideas floating around so I'll try to update more often. I'm not going to make excuses, so without further ado... the next chapter. ^_^ And for anyone who reads this... you're a trooper. I love youuu. 3**

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_"This song is for the rats_  
_Who hurled themselves in to the ocean_  
_When they saw that the explosives in the cargo hold_  
_Were just about to blow" _**-Cotton by The Mountain Goats**

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Shuuhei was in the Soul Society. Yes, the Soul Society, the fucking Soul Society. The one place he did not want to go was the one place Urahara deemed it necessary for him to be at the present time. The shopkeeper said Shuuhei was supposed to be "facing his inner demons." Shuuhei did not know what Urahara thought that was supposed to mean, so instead it seemed he spent a lot of time thinking of all the reasons he hated the Soul Society. He even made a list, but it seemed to be made up only of a certain red head being around and the fact he had no control over himself when that fiery personality was near him.

Shuuhei swore he was getting over him, and yes, he was okay and no, Mr. Hollow wouldn't be coming out to pay a visit anytime soon. But, Kira knew that this was untrue. Shuuhei was unstable; everyone could see it on the frown that was seemingly permanently etched onto his face.

But today was supposed to be a special day for Shuuhei, the one day that may help him to smile again. Today was training day, the one day out of the year that Tousen himself would train his subordinates. The captains would spend this day just teaching the younger soul reapers all their tricks and how to survive combat. But, since Tousen… wasn't available… it became Shuuhei's duty.

Normally, Shuuhei did not mind this duty. Actually, the opposite of it, he loved to train the younger soul reapers to fight. It made him feel like he had a purpose and was helping the greater good. Lately, though, Shuuhei was not in the mood to train at all. He just wanted to stay in his room. He wanted to skip out today, he swore it would only this one time; he wouldn't make it a habit or anything. Just today.

However, Kira came by wake up the slumbering Shuuhei. It seemed like a growing trend that the black haired soul reaper would need aid to get out of bed. But, today he practically had to drag the black haired vice captain out of bed. Urahara would need to be notified. Shuuhei didn't seem to be doing much better after all.

A loud snore exploded from a bed in the corner of a room that could have easily been mistaken for a closet. The figure in it was completely encased in blankets, only a few strands of blonde hair peeked out the top of the bed. The man moved in the bed, tossing to and fro as if trying to get comfortable. The bed let out another long, and loud snore. It seemed to echo off the dark walls in the small, undecorated room. The man jostled once again.

He suddenly sat up, still entombed in blankets. It was no good; he could only doze off for a couple of minutes before waking back up again. Still, it was too early to get up. He hated nights like this. But there was only so much he could do. The man carefully laid back down, pulled the blankets close, and closed his eyes again, ready for another attempt at sleep. A few seconds later, yet another loud snore left the man's wide-open mouth.

RING! A small, old-fashioned telephone shook, letting out the offensive noise, in the opposite corner of his tiny room.

"Huh? Whassat?" he mumbled sleepily to himself as he attempted to kick the blankets off. He failed and they floated back, covering him once more.

RING! The small phone shook so violently it seemed it might break into many small pieces.

The grown man kicked and pulled and finally managed to wrench the blankets off of himself. He stood up, leaving his bed, only stopping to steady himself once, and reached the telephone seconds before it rang for the third time.

"Whoisit? And whatcha doin' callin' so earleh in the first place?" the man said accusingly into the receiver, his words slurred with exhaustion.

"Urahara, is that you? Are you drunk?" a voice answered on the other side.

"'M not drunk. Jusss sleepy," the blond said yawning. "You do realize it's four o'clock in the fuckin' morning, Kira?"

"Oh, yes, sorry about that, but you said to keep an eye out for Shuuhei. Well, I thought you should know, he's not getting any better," the soul reaper said.

"Okay, okay. The meds should be done soon, just a few more… issues… to work out, and they'll be ready to go," Urahara said trying not to sound suspicious.

"Soon? Like when?" Kira questioned eagerly into the phone. He wanted to see his best friend back to normal as soon as possible.

"Like hell if I know. I'll call you. Now, I gotta let you go. Ya know, work to do," Urahara said, as if it was obvious that he had some very important work to do at four o'clock in the morning and what was Kira doing, calling with such useless information, before hanging up the receiver and stretching. Somehow Kira doubted the ex-captain was working.

A new day rose over the Soul Society unchallenged. Shuuhei groaned at the minimal sunshine leaking through his black out curtains. How was he supposed to sleep when the sun was in his eyes? How fucking unthoughtful of Mr. Sunshine. Couldn't it just have rained today? The black haired soul reaper tossed and turned trying to hide his face from the sun, and contemplated the pros and cons of never getting out of bed again.

Right on time, when Shuuhei finally reached the conclusion that it wasn't worth it in the end to get out of bed, Kira showed up in his bedroom, fully dressed in his soul reaper garb.

"Come on, it's a brand new day," Kira said in the soothing voice of his, pulling open the curtains and causing the amount of light in the room to escalate from annoying to unbearable. Shuuhei moaned loudly and hid himself under piles of blankets. Part of Kira wanted to leave Shuuhei alone in the mound of blankets. Maybe the guy just needed a break. Maybe one day in bed would be all it took to bring his best friend back. But, Kira knew he was wrong.

FLASHBACK

The gate to the Soul Society stood in the background, a shimmering radiance coming off of it in waves. Kisuke stood in front of it sweating lightly.

"Well," the blonde said in his signature drawl. "I guess this is it."

Shuuhei unspeaking, still angry that Urahara decided to send him away, stalked towards the gates, going through them without even saying goodbye. Kira just stared at his friend's back, stunned at his impoliteness. He then turned and nodded very politely to the ex-captain before following his friend. However, before he got too far towards the gate, he felt a strong hand grasping his shoulder, holding him back lightly.

"May I have a word, Kira?" the shopkeeper said nonchalantly. No one else was around so Kira didn't understand why the man had to be so damn formal. Kira stopped walking forward and turned around to face the older man.

"Uh, sure. What about?" Kira asked, continuing the awkward formality between the two. It's not like he didn't know the conversation was going to be about Shuuhei. That was the only thing they had in common. Kira smiled politely, but worried about the gate closing, glanced nervously towards it, as if reassuring himself it was still there. This, as per usual, Urahara noticed.

"I'll open a new one for you if it closes. Now, about Shuuhei," the older man continued. Kira looked up, curious. What could the shopkeeper possibly have to tell him that was important enough to stop him from returning to the Soul Society?

"Just, uh, watch out for him, okay? Ya know, make sure he doesn't lose his job or somethin'," the excaptain said happily grinning at the stunned face of the younger soul reaper. Make sure he keeps his job? Kira was confused. Surely, Shuuhei's little outburts confirmed the fact that being vice-captain was too stressful for the black-haired soul reaper. Wouldn't putting him back in that same situation make it worse?

"Uh… you might wanna hurry up," the older man's voice broke through Kira's train of thought.

"Huh?" Kira said. Urahara just pointed at the fading gateway.

"Shit," Kira shouted distreessed, sprinting towards the quickly closing doorway. He slid, barely making it through the double doors before tripping over his own feet and skidding out the other side. The doors slammed shut, sealing all the questions Kira wanted to ask Urahara permanently into his mind. From the ground, Kira looked up to see a faintly annoyed Shuuhei hovering above him.

"What took you so long?" the black haired soul reaper questioned extending his hand towards Kira.

END FLASHBACK

No, that decided it; Shuuhei could not stay in bed. He _needed_ to go to work. Kira grasped the blankets off of the black haired soul reaper's bed without remorse. Shuuhei moaned trying to borrow himself into the mattress itself, seeking any sort of warmth. The blonde grabbed Shuuhei by the shoulders roughly and pulled him out of bed. Shuuhei was surprised when Kira shoved him into the shower. The blonde just chuckled as he heard Shuuhei gasp at the cold water touching his skin.

_He needs to wake up. __

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**A/n: Please review. You'll get a bunny wabbit. :) 3 oh, and I suggest you check out the Mountain Goats. They rock! 3 i love you all. **


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